A monster is born...

A rough example of the floor plan to my Aunt's house...(click to enlarge)

Let me give you a warning right now, because what you are about to read is the truth of an event that took place in my home during the spring of 1983. It will not be PG-13, because I am going to use the language that was used at the time, so that you can clearly understand. If you do not want to read the words that I will be using, please surf to another page, and accept my apology for the language being used. For those that want to continue, here is what happened...

May 9, 1983, a date that has been etched into my memory forever, because this is the date that Michael the nice teenager would change into something that you would not imagine is even possible.  After years of verbal, mental and physical abuse at the hands of my uncle, I had reached my breaking point.  There were many things that lead me down that path but I always had the choice to turn the other cheek or fight back.  I decided to fight back, but not the way you would think was possible...and my uncle didn't see it coming either!

As you remember, four days earlier I was at the happiest point in my life after winning the Triple Jump competition at the Tulare Elks Relay on Saturday.  Prior to that date, I have never jumped over 43 feet, but that day I grew wings and soared.  The joy and pride that I had inside for what I accomplished was an amazing feeling.  I was grinning from ear to ear, and for once in my life, I did the best I could do and was rewarded for my effort.  The emotions that I felt when I received my first major gold medal cannot be explained and given proper justice by simple words.  All I can say is that  confidence, and self worth washed over my spirit and for the first time in 15 years I was at peace with myself.

As I stated previously, my uncle was outside the stadium fence on the street.  The distance between the street and the stadium fence is only about 10 feet, so it is easy to watch everything that was going on in the stadium.  Until that day, he never came up there to watch, so what the hell was he doing there this time.  I still do not know the answer to that question and really don't give a damn.  All I know is that he took my special moment and threw it away. 

After the track meet was over, I left the gym and started walking in the direction where he was parked because I figured he would give me a ride home.  As I approached the car, I noticed that he was already in the driver seat and started the car as I approached.  When I was only about 50 feet from the car, he looked me in the face and drove off.  As I watched him drive off, I felt a coldness come over me...something told me that there would be problems at home this weekend.

I make it home perfectly fine and see my aunt sitting in the living room watching television.  So I start to look around to see if the car is there...cool he isn't here.  I run to the front door and quickly tell my aunt how I did in the track meet.  She again stated how proud she was of me and she knew I would do perfectly fine.  I gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and went to my room to relax.  She and I had a great dinner and just relaxed for the evening.  Ted never came home...maybe the bastard will stay out all night...I can only hope!

Sunday comes and goes rather quickly because of Sunday School and afternoon service at the church, in which my aunt announced how I did at the track meet.  Everyone in the church congratulated me and said that they were proud of my accomplishment.  The warmth of happiest comes back to me again and I enjoy every moment of it while I am at church.  Sunday evening is a little different because my uncle is there at the house but he isn't stupid to cause trouble on a Sunday.

Monday and school comes and I can't wait to show my friends the medal, so I take it to school with me.  Some might say I was showing off, but I wasn't, I wanted people to see it, because it was the first thing that I truly worked my butt off to earn.  While at school one of my friends remind me that the Monday newspaper has all the details of the track meet in the sports section and my name is listed. 

There is one paragraph that talked about me:
"The lone frosh-soph first was turned in by Mike Rowland, who soared 45'-4 1/4' to help Tulare to a 1-2-3 sweep,...".  I couldn't wait to get home to cut it out of the newspaper and add it to my scrapbook collection. (Yes, I still have it and it is sitting in front of me right now as I type this blog).

I rush home after practice and quickly as my aunt if she has seen the newspaper, she said that my uncle was reading the paper and that I needed to wait until he was done with it.  So I waited around to see if he was done with the sports section.  I sat on the steps going into the den quitely and waited.  No sooner than I sit down, he looks over at me and gives me a look that bugged me, but I wasn't going to let it get to me, I was in a good mood!  But he changed that really fast.  He was reading the sports section so I nicely asked if he was done with the section that talked about our meet.  He said he was done with it but he had to do one thing first before giving it to me.  Ok, wow, he is being nice for a change.  He stands up, grabs his shoes and the paper and walked outside for a few minutes.  That was rather curious but I still sat there and waited.  A few minutes later he walks up to the den door from the backyard and tells me to come to the door to get the paper. At last, I can finally cut out the article!

No, I couldn't...he took the paper outside into the dog's pen and pushed my section of the paper into a pile of dog shit and brought it to the door for me to see it.  With a smile on his face he looked at me and said, "take this piece of shit and put that in your fucking memory you fucking asshole".  I stood there in total shock and disbelief at what I just witnessed.  I snapped and took a swing at him as I yelled at the top of my lungs, "you stupid black mother fucker, what is your fucking problem you fucking nigger".  He pushes me back and I slam into the wall head first.  As I slump to the ground, I heard my aunt scream and tell both of us to stop this very minute.  I try to get up as quickly as I can to jump at him again only to get a punch in the chest which takes my breath away.  I gasp for air as I try to get up and run away from him.  I finally get to my feet and run into my room and slam the door closed.

From my room I hear my aunt and uncle yelling at each other, and then the front door opens and closes.  He is leaving in the car and stays gone for several hours.  That was fine with me, because I was wishing that he would be killed in the car so that we could be done with that evil fucking asshole once and for all.  My luck was that good because he came home later in the night while we were asleep.  He tried to come into my room but to his surprise I moved my dresser in front of the door.  He cussed at me through the door for what seemed like an hour.  He finally gave up and went to the den to go to sleep.

Tuesday morning comes and I go to school and of course I am very quite the entire day and stayed away from all of my friends.  I wanted to be left alone because I just couldn't be around anyone at all.  Not because I was hurt, bruised or mad, but because I needed time to figure things out.  What could I do to put an end to all of this abuse.  For a moment, the thought of suicide was very big in my mind and I thought of the different ways that I could do mysellf in.  Sanity came back to me and I decided that I would not do something like that because he would win.  So I had to figure something else out and do it fast.  I got it, I know exactly what I will do and I will do it Wednesday night.

Wednesday comes and I go to school and again I stay away from all of my friends, I have to plan my strategy.  I needed to have it timed out perfect or it would not work at all and even my aunt would be in harms way.  But I knew I had no choice any longer, action must be taken and it would be taken tonight.

I knew on Wednesdays that my aunt would attend Bible Study service at the church and she would be there for several hours.  So as soon as we finished dinner, I told her that I would clean up dinner and take care of things in the kitchen.  It did surprise her, but she was in a rush to get to church so she agreed.  She gets dressed and I walk her to the door and tell her, "tell all of the saints I said hello".  She leaves through the front door and I quickly lock the door and put my plan in motion.  As I turn around, I quickly take a look down the walkways to the den to see if my uncle was laying down in his favorite position on the sofa in the den.  You see, that was the key to everything.  From the living room I could see all the way to the den where he sits and falls to sleep after dinner.  Just go to sleep Ted, that is all I need for you to do at this point...go to sleep you black mother fucker.

The time is 6:30 pm, May 9, 1983 and a monster is born from the ashes of a broken, battered and bruised teenager.  I start to walk to my room and glance back at Ted as I walk away.  He notices me turning and looking at him several times, which sparks a reaction from him.  Good!  I need those reactions to fuel the monster.  He yells towards me, "just take your yellow punk ass to your fucking room before you get fucked up mother fucker".  I stop in my tracks in the living room and slowly turn to the left to look over my shoulder back toward him.  I just give him a little evil grin and nicely say, "ok, just go to sleep".  I turn and continue on my path towards my room.  I sit in my room for about 15 minutes in total silence.

That silence is critical, no noises between the living room and den can happen, otherwise I would not be able to hear that black son a bitch snoring.  What is that sound I hear....could it be....yes it is...that 6 ft 3, 260 pound sack of pig shit is asleep.  I get up off my bed and start to walk back into the living room.  As I walk slowly I stop to step on the floor boards that always make noise.  I have to do that, because I want those sounds to be heard by him as he sleeps and wakes up. 

I am now standing in the doorway between the living room and dining room.  Arms folded and my eyes locked on him asleep on the den sofa two rooms away.  I take a few more steps into the dining room and step on the one spot that creaks loudly...he stirs and moves as he opens his eyes to see me.  He yells out to me, "what the fuck are you looking at bitch", I keep looking at him and calmly say, "just go to sleep". 

While his eyes are open, I do not move a muscle, I do not say a word, I just keep my eyes on him.  What's this, he is falling asleep again...I take a few more steps in the dining room.  I am now just a few feet from the kitchen...one more room until I am in the den.  I step on another floor board that creaks...he wakes up and with anger in his voice says loudly, "mike I am not playing with you, I will fucking hurt you fucking ass, now go back to your fucking room before I hurt you".  I keep looking at him and calmly say, "just go to sleep, Ted, just go to sleep".

After another few minutes, he dozes off to sleep again...I move into the kitchen and step to the right a few steps to trigger that last creaky floor board.  It does its job and wakes him up again.  But this time, he doesn't see me because I had to trigger the creak.  I hear a sigh from him, and he says lowly, "yeah thats what I thought you little chicken shit mother fucker, took your little ass back to your fucking room".  No, I was not in my room, I was in the kitchen out of sight.  But for a good reason...you see, I cleaned the kitchen after dinner, so I knew what I had to get out of the kitchen first.  I quickly grab the item and then wait a few moments for Ted to settle in and fall into deep sleep.  It only took about 15 minutes for that to happen...snooring is all I hear, loud and heavy.

I climb onto the kitchen counter to avoid the floor board creak so that I can get into the den quickly because the monster is hungry and is ready to feed.  I slowly approach my uncle as he lays there on the sofa fast asleep.  This is it, the time has come for Ted to witness the monster he created.

From my back pocket I pull out the butcher's knife that my aunt uses to carve up the meats.  It is so sharp because while I was cleaning the kitchen, I asked her "how long has it been since the knife was sharpened", she replies, "it has been a while, let me show you how to sharpen it, it is very easy".  Cold steel blade, nice and sharp.  I position myself to the left of the sofa so that I can get a clear path to his throat.  I am now in the perfect position...and move in with the knife and place that cold steel blade on his throat as I say calmly, "wake up mother fucker, it's your time to die you fucking piece of shit".  He opens his eyes and realizes that I have the knife to his throat and can easily slit him open like a stuck pig.  For the first time, I finally see in his eyes what I have had in my eyes for years...absolute horror.

He is so stunned and in shock that he can't say anything and shaking.  I get right next to his ear and tell him, "listen carely you fucking nigger, the next time you fucking touch me, I will bury this knife so deep in your body it will come out the other side. As you can see, you are old and I am young, I can stay up all night long if I have to, to get to you again.  If you don't bellieve me, try me, but it will be the last mother fucking thing you ever do in life, because I will send you straight to hell and piss on your grave. Don't fuck with me ever again bitch!"

I pull the blade away from his neck and calmly walk back into the kitchen.  I go to the sink to wash the knife again and place it in the proper place where my aunt always likes it to be.  I hear nothing coming from my uncle, so I look back into the den at him and he is still just laying there with a look of terror on his face as I look at him and give him a smile.  I go to the freezer and grab a popcicle and head to my room.  Once I get into my room, I hear a car outside, it is my aunt returning from Bible Study.  I greet her at the door and with a smile I say, "did you remember to tell everyone I said hello?"  She looks back at me and says, "you are such a sweet young man, and yes I did say hello, and they all said hello in return".  I then told my aunt that I was going to bed early because I was really tired and wanted to be ready for school tomorrow.  She agreed and quickly told me, "I got Monday's newspaper from Elder Jackson, he said that you could have it so that you can add that story to your scrapbook".

To the best of my knowledge, my aunt never found out what happened between Ted and I that night.  But I am pleased to tell you, from that day forward, he never laid another finger on me and reduced the amount of times he would cuss at me.

Don't think for one moment that I am proud of what I did that night, because I am not.  There is a reason why I have great patience with everyone, it's because I know there is a monster inside of me...and as long as I am treated right, the monster sleeps................

The Sophomore year...

A trophy I received for helping the
Varsity Track team win a meet.

Summer of 1982 was starting out pretty bad around the house because I was really missing my friends from school.  I found myself sitting alone at home for several days just wishing and praying that a neighborhood friend would come by to visit.  The streets were rather quiet because we were already having some of the hottest days of summer that I have felt in my young life.  It was too hot to be outside after 11:00 am, and too boring to stay inside stuck in my room.  But in my room was where I was safe from harm and hot tempers.  Yes I am speaking of my uncle Ted, that same mean bastard that has been around the house for a llittle over a year since he retired.

That hot summer was also the year he decided to turn the covered patio area into a den.  The good thing about this was the fact that it would give him something to do to take his mind off of whatever it was at the time.  Each morning he would wake my aunt and I up early to start working on the construction.  In his head, he thought that hard work in the early morning would turn me into the man he wanted me to be.  Someone that works hard each morning and strives toward making accomplishments each day of his life.  That sounds great when you read it, but those are my words, not his.  His words would read more like this:  "Time to get your lazy @$$ out of bed and do something for a change.  All you do is sit in front of that stupid machine and punch in these retarded numbers".  In 1982, what he was referring to as the "stupid machine" was my Commodore VIC-20 computer.  I would sit there for hours going through computer articles looking for machine code to input.  For you young ones, back then we didn't have programs and games that came in a box, you had to load the code language and then have the computer compile the data into a usable program.  There would be pages and pages of code that I would sit and enter by hand.  There was no RAM or Hard Drives at the time, we used 5 1/4 inch floppy drives...and that was amazing at the time!

Now, during the construction phases of my days, I would be the "gopher" for my uncle.  I was always having to go get this, go get that...and of course I didn't know what he was talking about most of the time.  I was only 14 and never liked manual labor because I preferred to work on a computer.  So of course, as the hot sun rose higher and higher, I would make sure to screw up more and more in the hopes that he would get tired of me being his "gopher" and just tell me to go to my room.  It worked for a while, but then he caught on and just made me stay even longer.  But that all came to a quick end when he was so mad at me for bringing him the wrong tool, that he smack me across the face. I fell off the roof of the patio but landed on the patio furniture that was luckily on that side of the yard.  I wasn't physically hurt by the fall, but I was mentally and emotionally hurt.  To my surprise, I was wishing that someone else would have seen him do that and call the police, but the neighbor that saw it, lost his kids because of physical abuse.  Needless to say, I just picked myself up, tried my best to stop the tears from streaming down my face...but that was like holding back the Nile river with a dam made of tissue paper.

Again, I sit in my room, licking my wounds and going to make up another story of why my face shows yet another hand mark that was not the same size as my own hand.  I was getting pretty good and making up stories to go along with bruises.  In a sense, I can thank my uncle for my well developed imagination, because I had to use it often when I was younger.  The rest of the summer went basically the same for several weeks, but at least I know what a post-digger, crow-bar, chisel, mallet, vise-grip, crescent wrench, monkey wrench and sockets were.  (Those were the items that I was told to bring to him, but would pick the wrong item...then BAM...you know the rest).

Ahh, summer is at an end and school will be starting in two days.  I couldn't wait to get back to school and all of my dear friends that I made.  Of course, when we all get together and talk about "what did you do over the summer" I will try to just fade into the background and listen to all the great things my friends did over the summer.  There was no way I could tell them about anything I did during the summer.  But now that I look back...I should have told someone of the things that were going on at home.

School is in full swing and I decide to go out for the soccer team during the winter sports.  I played soccer before in grammar school and junior high, but this was different...it was high school.  I doubted my chances to play on the team because I knew many of the players were in the AYSO league and they were really good.  I was just a kid from the hood that liked soccer, and was never good at basketball.  I know..."a black guy not playing basketball"...well that was me!  But there was a great benefit that I would get from soccer...long practices afterschool which meant that I didn't have to go home for a few more hours each day.  SIGN ME UP!

Since I had no ball control, I was on defense, because I did have one thing on my side...speed!  I was a very fast runner and was able to chase down any one on the soccer field.  That speed and the help of a few friends giving me pointers on ball control, got me on the JV soccer team.  Practicing each day was a blast, even though it was winter, after running for about 5 minutes, I was thankful for the cold weather!  Playing soccer that winter would turn out to be the greatest thing I did for myself at the time.  I built up a lot of endurance and took that endurance right into the Track and Field season.

Oh man, it's track season baby...that one time of the year that you are on a team, but your individual performance is what wins meets and championships!!! I was in-shape, great endurance, healthy and fit!  I was not in pain like those that did not play a winter sport.  I was ready to take on the league and anyone else that presented themself on my field of battle...THE TRIPLE JUMP PIT.  It's just a hop, step and a jump baby!

That track season became my strength to overcome everything in my life up to that point.  Meet after meet, team after team, the Tulare Union Redskins where taking names and kicking butt.  Next to the Valley Track Meet at the end of the season, there was one major central valley meet and that was the Tulare Elks Relay meet.  Schools from all over the valley from Fresno to Bakersfield would come to that meet.  That would be the one time in the season that our stadium had more people in it then when there is a football game.  This was the prize meet for everyone because if you placed in this meet, that meant you were one of the best in Central California.

Two days prior to the Elks Relay, I read an article in the Tulare Advance-Register (newspaper) that was written by the sports reporter talking about the Elks Relay.  As I read along, I see that one of our head coaches has spoken with the reporter about a few of us on the team.  I loved to read about anyone on our team in the paper, because I felt proud to be with them on this incredible team.  As I am reading along, I lose my breathe because my coach mentioned my name in the story.  I am only a sophmore and I am mentioned in the city newspaper as one of the best in the valley!!!!  I couldn't believe what I was reading, I pinched myself to ensure that I was not dreaming. After jumping up and down on my bed from excitement, I ran into the kitchen and asked my aunt to read what it said.  She looked at me with such delight in her eyes and said, "Michael, I know your name is in there, because I read the paper earlier, and I just want to say how proud of you I am at this moment". If I was a balloon at that moment I would have floated away.

The day of the meet came and I was more nervous than a "long tail squirrel in a room full of rocking chairs".  I woke up early, did a little bit of a stretch and ate breakfast.  Jumped in the shower, got dressed and sat on the front steps for a while.  Just sitting there with my thoughts and my nerves.  My aunt woke up and noticed me sitting outside in my uniform.  She came to the door and told me, "good luck Mike, I know you will do fine today, just believe in yourself".  Those words rang through my ears all day, because that is what I needed to hear from her.

A few hours later and we are well into the meet and there are hundreds of people there, schools from all over the valley.  I hear over the loud speaker, "Triple Jump will begin in 15 minutes, all jumpers please report".  My heart skipped a beat...the annoucer says it again...my heart begins to race.  It is time for me to do what I came here to do.  I gather my things and get myself in the right frame of mind quickly.  As I get ready, my teammates are around me and cheer me on.  I feel a certain amount of pride develop in my body as I walk the path to the pit.  As I approach the pit I realize..."This is my house, this is my pit, nobody comes into my house and beats me".  It is true, because that stadium is the Tulare stadium where our team practices everyday.  This is MY HOUSE!

I take my first 3 jumps of the day and they are really good, but I am in second place at the moment.  Some guy from Bakersfield is just a few inches ahead of me.  But that all changed on my final jump.  I was standing at the south end of the stadium and to me, there was nobody else there.  I focused my attention on the runway and envisioned the jump I was about to perform.  A lite summer breeze began to blow as I prepared to begin my approach.  With my hands at my sides, and my right foot in the lead position, I began to rock back and forth, on the seventh forward motion...I began my run.  Each step felt like it was taking a lifetime to put down and pick up. My eyes spotted the board and I quickly made a mental adjustment to my stride.  I refocused my eyes to the end of the sand pit and began my jump...right, right, left...land in the pit and allow my forward motion to carry me through the pit.  I had to wait 2 seconds to see if the line judge said that it was a good jump, and he did.  As I walked back to find out my measurement of the jump, my teammates and my coach are going nuts in the stands.  I assumed that they were watching a race on the track, but to my surprise they were cheering for me.  As I approach the judge, I hear the measurement, 45' 4-1/4"...I took over first place by 3 feet.  I couldn't believe it...that was the longest jump of my life at the time and I went 3 feet further than anyone else.  My teammates came around and congratulated me and for the first time in my life, I felt totally alive and full of pride.

At the end of the meet, our Freshman/Sophomore team did not win the meet, however I was the only Freshman/Sophmore from Tulare Union that won a gold medal that year.  I still have that metal and it is sitting in my living room on a bookcase.  From time to time, I will dust it off and wear it around my neck again, just to re-live that moment. 

It was an absolutely incredible day...but all good things must come to an end......my uncle was parked just outside the fence watching me.  Not once did he cheer me on, not once did he say "good job"...but he did say one thing..."stop with all of this stupid jumping crap and do running events like a real man".  A few of my teammates and friends were with me at that moment, and they were totally shocked and embarassed for me.

That was it...that was really it...I was finally at the end of my rope with him.  He took from me the most happiest day of my young life. What he did was unforgiveable to me and he was going to pay the price for that insult.  What he didn't realize after making that statement is that he just created a monster....and that monster was coming for some serious payback............................